Buddhism, I guess taking a cue from Hinduism, speaks about repeating cycles. The classic example is reincarnation. I don't feel I literally have died and been reborn, but on the other hand, I've found that I've had to start over in several ways over the past two months since my manic/psychotic episode.
One of them has been iaido practice. I lost eight weeks of training, which is a huge problem since I'm warming up for a test in June. It's actually been the longest dry spell since I started practice back in 2000.
I've also had to restart my Buddhist practice. The truth is, for awhile I was afraid of my practice for a couple of reasons, and I'm only recently recovering from that fear. This morning was the first time I'd meditated since my episode. It wasn't much - just counting breaths while walking from my car to the office.
I feel a part of me crashed, hard, and became wreckage. That hurt, a lot. Then the wreckage had to be melted down into raw materials again, and this was painful too. But now parts of me are liquid again, and can be remade into anything I choose.
So I hope, anyway.
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